In the spirit of the holidays, we’re bringing back a classic story from 2014.
Emory psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush (whose research showed how family storytelling benefits children’s happiness and development) teamed up to offer advice for parents to help make the holidays memorable and special. Both Duke and Fivush have since retired but remain an integral part of the Emory story and tradition as professors emeritus. Their advice stands the test of time, like any good holiday classic, so we’re sharing it again.
“Children really respond to routines and rituals,” Fivush says.“The holidays provide both. They are routine in that they are repeated annually, but they're also special. The planning and anticipation created by the holidays foster predictability and stability.”
The holidays may also provide a time for families, including extended family members who often live in other states or countries, to gather. Relationships with extended family members, especially those who are older, are vital and an important part of a family’s narrative, Fivush says.
Times that families gather, especially around food, are times to tell stories about the history of the family, Duke says. Kids need to hear about the adventures of their parents, grandparents and other relatives.
“Family stories are excellent vehicles for transmitting calmness in the face of worrisome events and assuring kids that they will be all right,” Duke says.
Duke and Fivush explain that family stories should include bad things that happened as well as good things, Stories about bad times that were overcome and helped strengthen the family are important for children’s resilience.
"Bad things happen to everyone,” Fivush says. “American myth-type stories are beneficial, stories about how a family member overcame adversity and came out the other end stronger and wiser. Those stories teach children that bad things happen, but with the help of your family you'll learn and emerge stronger and move on.”
"Funny and happy stories are important, too.” Fivush adds. “Laughing together makes families feel closer. Everyone knowing how the story ends or knowing the punchline creates an emotional bond.”
Stories can be told again and again. Telling the story itself is an important activity that bonds the family together, especially when the children participate in the telling. Over the years, these stories become part of the “family folklore.”
"Especially for children, they want to hear the story over and over,” Fivush says. “Then they might start participating in the telling of the story. It helps them feel like part of the group.”
Family rituals are very important, even silly ones, Duke adds. The longer they’ve been part of the holidays, the better, but feel free to invent new ones.
Following are a few more of their holiday tips.
- Drive around and look at holiday decorations in neighborhoods all around your town. Many religious institutions, hospitals, office parks and other locations often mount spectacular displays. All of these make memories for kids and families, especially if they become ritualized year to year.
- Look at family photo albums together. First, create permanent albums from easily deleted photos stored in cyber-space.
- Don’t mess with the holiday menu! You might add something new, but don’t take away anything, even if it’s not on the “healthy” list.
- Don’t seek perfection. It’s not attainable and can be stressful. Shoot for a “good enough” gathering, which is often the best.
Photo from Getty Images/Drazen Zigic.